Nova’s birth
My son is now 3 years old and I feel ready to share some words on his birth which remains imprinted in my heart for the rest of my life. It feels like yesterday and it was one of those experiences you can never really “decode” or fully understand. His arrival, way before his actual birth, was an experience I can’t explain or find many words for, but I will give it my best.
A couple of months before I conceived him, on the evening of the summer solstice in 2019, he appeared to me in a vision in a fire I had made after a particularly intense few days of receiving insights into my childhood and clearing of a lot of ancestral, matrilineal trauma. I just noticed him as I stared into the flames. I didn’t know who this being was at first. Then realised, this is my son! Tears shot in my eyes. His light was overwhelming. He appeared in white, telling me that I was now ready to carry him in, if I wanted to. I was overcome with emotion and such love that the only choice that made sense was of course, Yes, I would receive him.
I got pregnant 2 moons later… I didn’t realise it though, and that was quite a surprise for me because I am very sensitive. I remember traveling back to Switzerland for Christmas (about 10 days after conception) and I sat in my car listening to the radio. There was a service on the radio and the pastor asked some children questions from the scripture and says: “The virgin had to be pure. She couldn’t have any shadow left for the immaculate conception to take place.” I immediately started sobbing and couldn’t stop. At that point though, I had no (conscious) clue I had indeed conceived my longed for son! Only when after the new year I didn’t get my bleed, things became clear with many aha moments on my recent experiences.
From the very beginning on, I knew I didn’t want to birth him in a hospital and I didn’t want any medical testing or interference, and I felt strongly on this: To do this on our own, on our own terms. Just me and my partner and potentially a birthkeeper/midwife of my choice. I found the perfect birthkeeper when I was 6 months into my pregnancy. She was motherly, supportive and hands-off. It turned out I needed her more than I thought and she took care of me so lovingly, especially after the birth! Immediate post-partum is such an important period for the whole family as the unit is gently landing and settling in. Looking back, I wish I was able to surrender to this care a bit more and had more trust in the ones taking care of me. I still had a strong protective energy in me that I had to dissolve in the first years of motherhood.
In the garden at exactly 42 weeks, September 2020.
My son had his own timing in mind (as every child, I guess!). Everything was ready and me and my partner Johnson were anticipating his arrival in our modest 1 bedroom South London flat. The birth pool was ready, affirmations hanging off the wall, fairy lights were curated around the room, towels and bowl for placenta at the ready. But birth seemed far! I was already in a liminal space and kept on seeing a ball of light coming closer every time I looked out the window into the garden. A massive golden globe which I first thought was the “birth portal”. But realised, this was actually my son. My due date came and went. Everyone who has gone past their dates knows that the “waiting” is excruciating! As a first time birther, I really thought that 40 weeks must be how long it always takes for babies to make their entries.
In my 42nd week I thought I might benefit from an osteopathic treatment to help me relax. My birthkeeper recommended someone to me who couldn’t take me on short notice though, so I was referred to someone else. When I googled this person’s name, it turns out he was Princess Diana’s personal osteopath! How funny! I have always loved Lady Di! This wasn’t a known fact, rather it was mentioned in a memoir and I stumbled on that excerpt. There were even some pictures of hers waving him goodbye as she drove off after her appointment. When I arrived at the place for the treatment, I was amazed to see the practice was still in the exact same location as shown on the photos with Diana.
It was a rather unspectacular visit. Nothing I hadn’t already done, or knew. I was told by the osteopath that he had rarely seen someone with such incredible body composition, in such a well balanced state. Though, he seemed unsure on arrival of my baby! He said baby chose me specifically because I would understand him on a soul level and would be able to give him exactly what he needed. I actually lied when I made this appointment (well, just a little lie) and said I was just a few days over 41 weeks when I was already 42 weeks and 2 days along, but I simply didn’t want the hassle, or explain or rectify my choices. Induction was never on the table. It just felt wrong and I knew I had to overcome my own fears and urges to control birth and needed to surrender to my baby’s wisdom and life guiding this process.
My mother had called me a few days before my appointment and said she dowsed the date baby would come and she was certain it would be the 23rd (September - which happened to be correct!) - “in the flat in London”, she said.
That night when I got back home after the appointment, I run a long bath and had an emotional release. I felt an energy surround the house, everything felt wrapped in a soft blanket. My partner kissed me as I came out the bath, and the unfolding felt divinely orchestrated. We made love, it was delicious, and I remember feeling so emotional, so moved by this love that was in and around us. I could feel this divine embrace of love as a powerful force guiding us through the portal. I felt so close to the stars and heaven. We had opened the space together for our baby’s arrival. Soon after, surges started and continued into the night. I knew, this was our moment.
I remember in the early morning of the next day, I had already trouble lying in bed as the waves kept on coming on strongly, and it felt quite intense. Too intense to sit still, so I was pacing in our flat. I had no idea at the time that a short 6 hours from then, I would hold our baby in our arms. Johnson called our birthkeeper and she came and told me to try and rest and go back to bed. There was no way I could! This was suddenly all happening. Fast! Our birthkeeper left and I quickly sent a text to my cousin who is a registered midwife in Switzerland and she told me to hurry and fill the pool and was a little puzzled as to why our midwife had left! She could feel just from the text how it was all imminent. I don’t know why we didn’t fill the pool right there and then, but I think I was still in disbelief this was happening.
I was roaring, pacing through the corridor, shocked at how my body was just on autopilot. I didn’t have time to think or “feel in”, I was immersed in the movement of contractions and expansion and the physical sensations of this process. We had the pool, a gym ball that I liked to bounce on, a TENS machine, but I wanted absolutely nothing. I ripped all my clothes off my body and sometimes lied down on some sofa pillows on all fours to find some relief. I walked back the narrow corridor of our L shaped flat into the bathroom and ran the shower. It felt good to stand in there and let the water run on my back. Finally, the midwife was back. She helped me out the shower and said she didn’t expect everything to pick up so quickly (because I was a first time birther etc.)! But let me tell you this, Nova came with a fire! He knew his timing. He just invited me in for the ride, and I was asked to prove worthy of following his pace.
I really wanted to see how far I was and asked if she could check me. She said I was 4cm. Suddenly, everything intensified. Back in the living room I experienced sharp and short contractions that I thought would literally rip me in pieces. I turned into wolf, too immersed to be shocked about this animalistic shapeshift. Somehow, baby was turning himself completely around inside, in within minutes. My midwife took out a scarf and started wiggling my belly with it as I was surrendering into the scarf on all fours. It felt glorious. It’s called a “rebozo” scarf and is used in ancient traditional midwifery in Mexico as a technique to help positioning. The contractions eased up, some room was created inside for my baby to move in place. Back in the bathroom 30 minutes later, I heard and felt a big “blop” sound. I reached up my cervix and felt something hard. I looked my midwife in the eyes and she exclaims happily: “The head!!”
I hear my partner in the living room chatting away excitedly and prepping the pool. I was really longing to experience some of that glorious water! I had always hoped for a more zen water birth, but this birth was fire and fury and it wanted me on my knees, in surrender. I was still resisting on some level and I would only understand this fully a few years later… I kept on trying to get into the water, but was interrupted by another surge just as I tried to put a leg in. I was just not meant to be in there. Baby’s head was coming while I was in a squat, it took a lot of strength to remain in this position, but this was our birthing position. I felt the intense urge to push, so I did and out he came, in two pushes. This part of birth felt easy and smooth. I remember asking my midwife to lend her hands, as simply I could not catch him in this position and it felt right. She cupped her hands underneath me softly as he slid out, then immediately handed him to me, still in the squat, so I could take him up to my chest. He cried and cried and cried about this intense trip to earth and I calmed him down repeatedly saying “I’ve got you! I’ve got you! I’ve got you!”, swaying gently and instinctively as I sat down on the couch. I had no tears and was amazed at how my body was able to expand to accomodate such a stretch.
What a trip! I faintly remembered that I had to birth the placenta, so I internally thanked the placenta for providing for my baby and sent gratitude for having my son in my arms. I tugged on the cord a little and placenta slid out without any problem whatsoever. Relief! It was done! We were all tucked in lovingly after midwife ordered us some homecooked West African food that instantly gave me strength (Kontomire: a meaty stew with cocoyam leaves with rice) and it felt like the best food I had ever had!
And this is the story of Nova’s arrival…
